past frustrations.

2 weeks to 7th, cross my fingers.
sigh, so much shit had happened and i'm so worn out by it.
projects, work and all my love-hate relationships.
i. just. want. to. break. free.
so won't you let me?
i could barely open my eyes today, closing like every damn minute.
i'm that fatigue.
i'm in such a bad state, i literally look like a panda.
my mind is soooooo so so so cluttered by what's all around me.
nothing could be so perfect.
i couldn't ask for more, it's beyond the expectation.
ohh, what have i done.
what am i suppose to do with you.
every little god damn frustration.
maybe dropping off everyone was probably the only solution to keep myself sane.
it has only been 4 months, yet everything, every single thing had changed.

silly, you reminded me how was it like to have someone for company again.
you reminded how was it like to feel so young again? ha.
how mutt or beng you could be, it's seriously stupid.
made me angry when you acted like a baby.
made the days seemed shorter, and the night seemed longer.
relieved my days in school.
relieved all my band memories, honestly speaking i missed my band friends and making music with them.
taught me stuff i didn't know.
told me about your past,
and what you wna be in future.
i can't be anymore proud of you.
how hardworking you'd strived to be.
i seriously don't know what am i to do with you.
this is so different.
it was something special i hope.
but.
i don't know what i want and i don't know how i should go about this.
if only. if. if. ifs. ifs. ifs. ifs..
when i question myself, my heart replies only,
"i don't know...."
why.

i don't know.
i don't know, what's holding me back.

sunday afternoon, i saw his face in the most unlikeliest places.
he saw me, he saw me first. waved. and smiled politely right back at me.
he was with someone else, someone, not me anymore.
my heart sank, it left me in a lurch.
went somewhere far away, vented my anger, and vented my emotions.
i acted like i was fine, but i wasn't ok.
in the end, i decided i can't turn back, i won't let you see me.

no matter how far or near you are, where ever you'd be, and how have you been, i've nv ever stopped thinking of you.
even so, i've let you go..
it had always been a part of me.
ironies, how silly of me.
i still miss you.
and i do know, yes. i can never be a part of you anymore.


"i really don't know, how should everything be..?"

sigh. sm submission's later. and the next friday, the final project submission.
and i should really be thinking about this, instead of being such a heart wreck.
maybe losing my handphone is a sign that i should really drop off everyone.

bye and goodnight.
bed. bath. eat. school. work. eat. bath. bed.